Reviews in Retrograde: The Big Hit

Critical Outcast isn't my first attempt at a website, I had a few stutter steps in the late 1990's and early 2000's. These attempts generated a whole bunch of poorly written, often very short and spoilerific reviews. I recently stumbled upon them in my archives and thought you may be interested in seeing some of these early attempts at writing. They are as they were then, I make no apologies for how bad or how short they are. Feel free to have at them with reckless abandon! I present to you: Reviews in Retrograde.



Melvin Smiley, a successful young hitman, is living a normal all-day life for his jewish fiancé Pam, but kills for money in Paris' organization. In addition, he has a relationship with a beauty from the neighbourhood and gets bothered by a pimply video store guy, because he did not return "King Kong Lives" for two weeks. He and his three teammates Cisco, Crunch and Vince one day decide to kidnap the daughter of super-rich businessman Jiro Nishi - off the record. What they do not know, is that Jiro just went completely bankrupt due to a successless movie production, and, even worse, that his daughter Keiko is the god-daughter of Paris, the boss of the kidnappers. He and his men are now searching for the kidnappers in order to grind them up properly. Meanwhile, handcuffed Keiko falls in love with killer Melvin while both preparing a kosher meal in order to satisfy Pam's visiting parents, who are out of the house with Pam - with a body in the trunk.

This movie was a complete blast, non-stop from start to finish. Full of one-liners and unbelievable action, strung together by an even more unbelievable plot. I like to look at The Big Hit as a parody of the action genre. By doing this, I free myself to enjoy whatever silliness appears on my screen.

Mark Wahlberg is Melvin Smiley, the friendliest hit man on the face of the planet, with the problem of wanting everybody to like him, this of course is impossible. Espcially if you consider he is splitting attention between a fiance and another girlfriend on the side. The story consists of Smiley and friends, Crunch(Bokeem Woodbine) and Cisco(Lou Diamond Philips), kidnapping a rich man's daughter in order to make a little money on the side. Problem is, their boss, played by Avery Brooks, is the girls Godfather. It then falls on Cisco to find the kidnapper, knowing that he himself, was the kidnapper. Meanwhile, Smiley must keep the girl hidden from his unknowing fiance and her visiting family. It's all downhill from there as they try to get the girl back and stay alive in the process.

The performances are what you would expect in this kind of movie, silly but fun. Wahlberg plays the nice guy to the extreme. Lou Diamond Philips plays one of the silliest roles I've seen in a long time. He's Cisco, the smarmy backstabbing friend of Smiley, he uses slang and has such an attituce that you can't help but laugh at how ridiculous he is.

This is one movie I recommend to anyone looking to have a fun time and see a lot of action. Or maybe it's because I love the scenes featuring a video store clerk, since I worked in a video store. Do yourself a favor and check out this ridiculous romp.

Do yourself a favor and check out this ridiculous romp. Recommendation to see.